There is not enough ibuprofin in this ibuprofin

Violent stomach flu. Nausea. 2 hour car ride with no a/c. Uneventful rehearsal dinner. Svenson the crazy cat attacking my toes while I slept. Loud 'ethnic' music on my sisters street all night. No interest in food. Shortest wedding ceremony, ever. Nice reception. 1/2 of my Filet Mignon. As much pinot grigio as I could put back. Difficulty dancing in the floor length gown. Avoiding bouquet that landed at my feet. Pretending I did not have a broken heart and digestive system. Driving home to get to Wellfleet in time. Sleeping in the parking lot at the beachcomber with wet dog. No phone calls. Major cramps just in time for work today.

I really am a positive person. Just highlighting the negatives of the last week.

Ted and Karen' s baby finally came out. So we got a cute baby boy this week, and that's always good.

Relapses are for sissies

It is almost time for the big wedding. Brett is the first of my siblings to thrust himself into the world that everyone warns me about. I still have the occasional picture of myself being the perfect wife to some brilliant, funny, thoughtful 'friend to all animals' type dork. By 'animals' I mean to include crazy humans that most avoid like the shopping cart that only goes left. I never planned on having a date for their wedding, I don't want to babysit some drunk bastard. Also, any contender would automatically become my 'boyfriend' until I had a chance to explain: "No, we just sleep together, he's a total loser" or "Yuck, he's like a brother" or perhaps "Just because I'm having his baby, does'nt mean...". I will just tell everyone that I am in love with my eharmony match from Wyoming and that I am saving money to go marry him. At least I have an amazing family, I am looking forward to dancing with my dad and hanging with my younger sister and brother and their significant others and my cousins, especially 'Doey'.
I am still getting over 'the loser', had a good cry with Lily, (Aussie cattle dog) my niece. I feel so stupid, but empowered. Ted is convinced that "he'll be back" but as much as I want to be wanted I have to say I hope he does not. Speaking of Ted, his baby has still not popped out, we are coming up on two weeks past the due date. I am not sure we are all ready for this new little present but I am so excited to meet him.

Incomplete chain blog prison

Six random things about myself:
1) I don't feel like pissing off six people today.
2) I was home schooled until 3rd grade.
3) If I could be anything I would choose to be a contortionist.
4) I am the queen of the island of misfit boys.
5) There are people who refer to me as: "the cool kid"
6) Sarah and I are bringing back the word TWAT.
This is kinda fun
~ I hula-hoop in the dark, often.
~ The whole reason I am here is to read Susan's genius.

Warning: I use the V-word freely

I kind of made Hunky hang out with me. He was a good sport. I brought cherries, brie, bread and my light-up frisbee. I wonder how many UFO sightings were reported in Woods Hole that night. We went swimming and the phosphorescence was spectacular. I tried to impress with my synchronized swimming skills but he was staring at the glowy thingys and I was worried about getting phosphorescence in my vagina.

A male friend recently said that women can basically get whatever they want because they have vagina s. I responded "You mean, I am sitting on a goldmine!?" He whispered "Yes".

Here comes the bitter sister

My eldest brother is about to be married. Most in my family have been tight lipped since the news broke so as not to show her how shocked we were. Then came the fingers-crossed-behind-back holidays, but now I feel guilty because I want him to be happy, not just married because he thinks it is his last chance. She and I are not really on the same plain. It is awkward to say the least. She was horrified at the Christmas gifts I gave: donations to Heifer and reusable shopping bags, while I would rather have a crayon drawing from her than the Yankee candle oil thing that made my throat close up as soon as I opened the bottle. My sister agrees that her family and ours don't really have the same values etc. Alright, it does NOT matter what we think. They are going through with it.
What to wear:
I originally bought a $24 sassy dress that is just borderline on the sexy single sister scale. But my sister reminded me that it is a night wedding and therefore "formal". Fuck. So, I am bringing a dress to the cleaners that I paid too much for and have already worn to two weddings. SWEET! When people who know me see me in it they freak. It has gilded straps and beaded flowers. Ha-Hoo has cleavage and hips!??? and NO date, wah-wah.
That takes care of the wedding... but here goes my rant about Bridal Showers. I can think of 1,054 things I would rather be doing on a Saturday in June on Cape Cod, but no, I will be driving to WInthrop (Yuck) for a bridal shower. It will not be half as bad as I am making it out to be. I have never been to a bridal shower, what is it for? I got a gift off of the registry at Macy's. Boring. But here comes the good part. The gift bag. My bff Sarah has a collection of gift bags for us to reuse. As fate would have it the only one that would fit this gift is one with a giant pink castle and a unicorn on it (her daughters 3rd birthday, no doubt). The drive will be worth it just to see her reaction. Should I act totally normal? Like, I got it specifically for her...hmmm....delicious. Seriously, I am looking forward to seeing her. I know she has helped my brother overcome difficulties and I am happy for her. Also, I get to see my sisiter, my awesome cousins and their new babies and my mom. Then we can all laugh and laugh....

Not completely unrelated: The funniest thing Ted has done:
During the wedding ceremony for Julie and Matt. Dave, a friend who introduced the happy couple was describing that first encounter. He said something like "And in walked Matt, all six foot four of him..." At which point Ted let out a agreeable "MMmmmm Hmmm"

Crystals and wizards and shit

Mercury is almost direct again. Supposedly, because I was born during Mercury in retrograde the non-effects do not effect me directly. Get it? If not, ask your astrologer/tarot reader. A quick explanation of Mercury in retrograde: The planet Mercury effects you. When it is in retrograde its effects cannot be felt. Usually during this phenomenon (2-3 weeks 2-3 times a year) cars and computers break down, you lose your keys, wake up late, etc. It is also a notoriously bad time to make any huge decision or attempt to reconcile a dispute...you get the idea. Does this seem like every day for you? Well then, you are just disorganized and unlucky, sorry. So what does this all mean for me, you ask? I have nothing and no one to blame for the stupid, selfish things I am about to do.

Mr. Void

This just in :the guy that I told myself I didn't like anyways gives me the "I'm really busy" routine one time too many. Any half wit knows just what that means. "I don't really want to see you, at all". He is just a guy in a truck. So why does it still hurt? I will be fine. Luckily, it is boogie boarding season for me so I can go out there and let the waves wash away my tears. Things friends have said : "He is gone", "You knew what it was", "Let it go". Seriously, I have not cried over him. My ego just has a bruise the size of a...ahem. In the grand scheme I know that chemical wowing fades away and you are left with connections on other plains. Lets just say that I smelled his genes and I liked them. It must have been the same alcoholic/carpentry gene that is prevalent on my dads side.