Snookie Monster

Every once and a while I feel like an adult but mostly it's when I am at work. After my dentist basically told me I was a freak for having two baby teeth I asked him, very seriously, if that meant I didn't have to grow up. It took him a few seconds to bray awkwardly. Not too many people can decipher when I am joking, I got that from my dad.

I have a strange job. 8, 12 sometimes 24 hour shifts, a few times a week. I am at work right now and Bob is brushing his teeth. I take care of Bob. I make him breakfast, he schools me in old military and radio jingles, show tunes, geography and WWII. I joke that he is the grandfather I never wanted or my third boyfriend (His dog Duncan is my second).

I have had a boyfriend for almost a year now which still surprises me. It has been weird to, after being single for years, try at age 33 to be with someone, but companionship feels so right.

I call him Leon, he is the wheel man. Everyone he knows is a character and usually has at least one nickname. Let's see, there is Johnny Too Much, Salty Pete a.k.a. The Night Rider, Bandicoot, Big Fred, Future Freddy, The Doctor, Cousin Tim, Kenny, Ted Shred a.k.a. Teddy Ball Gag...

I drive more now then I ever have and I find the road society bizarre. I know I look like a douche bag in my white volvo wagon and I use this to my advantage. I stop and let people go just too make a point. I give jerks the thumbs down or up depending on how sarcastic I am feeling. If you get the tongue with the thumb you did something really special. I keep it slow for the most part then really open it up when White "Gravy" Betty begs for it. I let Leon drive that way I can read crossword clues aloud and prepare snacks.

Take It away

Hey! I forgot to blog! Let's see...what have I been up too?

Practicing my mouth trumpet

Waiting for my clothes to dry on the line

Getting rear-ended by a questionable "human" in a truck

Dealing with endless forms, frustration, pain and financial suffering

Not looking for a replacement car because I still have not received a check for my bereaved volvo

General Manizing

Living out of a bag, a room and someone else's car.

Getting heavily into English Breakfast tea, crosswords and sudoku

What is in my future?

Not buying anything

Sharpening Hula Hooping skills

Working odd jobs.. possibly as a topless piano player -wait- I can't really play the piano...

Shaklee Manifesto

If you haven't heard of Shaklee yet, frankly I am surprised. If you care about purity, sustainability, health or Oprah and want to hear more about what I have been doing with myself lately, read on.

I have tried to do my part in the whole 'saving the planet/every bit counts' program. Resist plastic water bottles & things with 'gross hybrid' or exuberant packaging, use and reuse whenever possible, NO plastic (toxic) shower curtains etc. I even made my own non-toxic, natural cleaning products. When something works just as good, improves health, costs less and has good eco-results (toxin-free, landfill friendly and plants trees!) it is a no-brainer, right? No wonder I am so excited about spreading the word to those I care about.

I love Shaklee products so much I have become a distributor (Oprah is too, it is SO on). I always wanted to work for myself and for something I could be proud of. Since its inception fifty years ago Shaklee has been 'all natural'. But by today's standards that is an understament. They test every ingredient numerous times to check for purity, quality and efficacy. Beyond organic, people, beyond.

Please check out my website to find out more or join my quest to support health and friends: http://www.shaklee.net/heathermaitland

I recommend that anyone with children, pets, health issues or concerned with the nasty chemicals found in everyday home products should start with:
BASIC H2 Organic Super Cleaning Concentrate -I have free samples that make one bottle of All-Purpose Cleaner and one bottle of Window cleaner. A 16 oz bottle is only $10.35 for members which can make 48 gallons of super powerful cleaner. No plastic bottles headed towards landfills, HOORAY! Sarah Snow just listed this as one of her favorite products in my favorite magazine Body+Soul.

If you are really serious about getting clean check out Healthy Home Pack or Get Clean Starter Kit.

What else do I like? Vitamins! In my family, it was a fistful of vitamins every morning so I learned early about nutrients, supplements and how they work. Vitalizer is the essential vitamin pack that has done all the homework. The right nutrients, to the right place, at the right time.

The most exciting product by far is Vivix. I can't say enough about how amazing this has made me and my friends feel. It truly is breakthrough science at it's best. I know I sound a bit like a pusher but I truly want people to feel younger and live longer.

Also highly recommended is the Cinch inch loss program. Yummy shakes, snack and meal bars as well as supplements and support.

I have tried a few of the beauty products so far and have been pleased. I am always adding to my list of Favorites.

Please contact me with any questions on purchasing or starting your own Shaklee business.
Thanks for your time.

eharmony back log

Finally, one of my thousand or so matches made it past the open discussion barrier. Well, there was one other but he lives in Wyoming and even after wonderful phone conversations we both knew that I was forever a New England girl. So this new guy, we'll call him NWB was making a good impression but nothing fantastic was happening. For our first encounter he invited me to visit him at work, at night?-seemed strange but I thought that he wanted us both to feel comfortable with meeting a stranger and he had to be respectful at his place of employment, right? It was a beautiful spot with ok conversation, but he sort of kicked me out quickly. I was surprised that when I smiled awkwardly goodbye (as in, I guess I'll never see you again) he looked embarrassed and said he would like to get together to play tennis. It took a while for us to coordinate our schedules to meet on the court. I had fun hitting the ball, I think I impressed him a bit, he said I should join this tennis league in the winter which I will probably do. But, again he cut our visit quite short, I was just getting warmed up! Naturally, I thought he had decided that I was fat and ugly, but alas, he wanted to show me the nearby kettle pond and talk about a movie he thought we could see together. This took about ten minutes. Then he had to go. Right. Did he have another date? Is he an alcoholic or drug addict and was starting to sober up? Or did he have an urgent 'staff' meeting? It was strange and I couldn't even figure out if I liked him. Nervous? I mean, I was nervous and probably not the most skilled at being true self when on blind dates. Oh yea, I have never been on a blind date....and can't remember the last time I was on ANY kind of date, so maybe he is just holding back like me. OR, is he a wet blanket? I have been fantasizing about going to the movies with a guy for years, so I haven't been going really at all, until last Saturday. My friend Terry and her boyfriend Scott know that since they met I have no single girlfriends to hang with; obviously, I am SO happy for them, I love them, but we joke about it a lot. Last minute they invited me to join them at the movie house in Dennis (Old people party) at 4:30 to see Elegy. I accepted but knew that NWB would probably hate this movie so I went alone. It was the right decision. The next day I called him to see if this was the day that I was going to go to a movie with a guy. I mistakenly mentioned that I was going to watch football and tennis out of stupidity and said we should meet up later if he wasn' busy. DAMN! he invited me AGAIN to visit him at work! WTF? I decided to give it another shot. I was going to be outgoing, interesting, interested...and the dog, I'll bring the dog, she's always entertaining. The conversation was totally strained, what was I doing there? Awful. Or am I being to hard? At one point I was actually insulted, that's not easy to do, I am pretty easy-going, but he wasn't talking to me at all, he was checking news or emails or whatever. I was so out of there, feeling stupid, rejected, I don't even know. A couple days later it was my birthday. yea. I started a new position in the nursery at the tennis club in the morning and then went to my regular job, then it was tuesday so I went to poker. I won! A good chunk of cash for me. Some of the hard core players were kind of peeved but because it was my birthday they all congratulated me as best they could. When I left, there was a kind birthday message from NWB on my voice mail. Wierd. I am comfortable with just seeing him at the tennis club occasionally. NEXT!

Single straight girl in the house.

Susan is being kept too busy to blog? She must be bursting at the seams with thoughts of last nights spectacle...For Sarah's birthday we could have taken her anywhere. But alas, P-Town is just up the road and we have been waiting for a reason to go, even if it doesn't make any sense. So, Lorna got tickets to the "Drag Show". Done. To Edwige for dinner and the best dirty martini I have had, then "Showgirls" for a little entertainment. Surrounded by gay men we flourished in the back row at the Crown & Anchor ("Clown & Anger" as the tiny Korean comedian called it). What can I say? A song about sharting, pube shaving performance act, Rollerskating Drag Queen; just brilliance all around. But the best birthday surprise was when Risa was introduced from the New York band "Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse". Over here on the farm we LOVE this band. Sarah was sure to mention that her husband knows ALL the words to the songs on their last album. She kindly gave us the NEW album that HASN'T EVEN COME OUT YET so Steve and I are studying hard today so we can all laugh and laugh together later.

There is not enough ibuprofin in this ibuprofin

Violent stomach flu. Nausea. 2 hour car ride with no a/c. Uneventful rehearsal dinner. Svenson the crazy cat attacking my toes while I slept. Loud 'ethnic' music on my sisters street all night. No interest in food. Shortest wedding ceremony, ever. Nice reception. 1/2 of my Filet Mignon. As much pinot grigio as I could put back. Difficulty dancing in the floor length gown. Avoiding bouquet that landed at my feet. Pretending I did not have a broken heart and digestive system. Driving home to get to Wellfleet in time. Sleeping in the parking lot at the beachcomber with wet dog. No phone calls. Major cramps just in time for work today.

I really am a positive person. Just highlighting the negatives of the last week.

Ted and Karen' s baby finally came out. So we got a cute baby boy this week, and that's always good.

Relapses are for sissies

It is almost time for the big wedding. Brett is the first of my siblings to thrust himself into the world that everyone warns me about. I still have the occasional picture of myself being the perfect wife to some brilliant, funny, thoughtful 'friend to all animals' type dork. By 'animals' I mean to include crazy humans that most avoid like the shopping cart that only goes left. I never planned on having a date for their wedding, I don't want to babysit some drunk bastard. Also, any contender would automatically become my 'boyfriend' until I had a chance to explain: "No, we just sleep together, he's a total loser" or "Yuck, he's like a brother" or perhaps "Just because I'm having his baby, does'nt mean...". I will just tell everyone that I am in love with my eharmony match from Wyoming and that I am saving money to go marry him. At least I have an amazing family, I am looking forward to dancing with my dad and hanging with my younger sister and brother and their significant others and my cousins, especially 'Doey'.
I am still getting over 'the loser', had a good cry with Lily, (Aussie cattle dog) my niece. I feel so stupid, but empowered. Ted is convinced that "he'll be back" but as much as I want to be wanted I have to say I hope he does not. Speaking of Ted, his baby has still not popped out, we are coming up on two weeks past the due date. I am not sure we are all ready for this new little present but I am so excited to meet him.